THE REAL SCANDAL: I KNOW WHY YOU’RE NOT A GLADIATOR

Dear Scandal Haters,

Since its ratings breakthrough in its second season, ABC’s hit drama “Scandal” has been quite the polarizing force. There are the #Gladiators (like me) who ride with Pope & Associates weekly as they fix DC’s biggest crises.  And then there’s YOU: The Scandal Hater.

You roll your eyes at every social media mention the show gets. You cringe when you see Kerry Washington on the cover of yet another magazine. And you really wish everyone would stop talking about how freaking amazing the show is, because it’s really not that great, right?

I feel your pain, Hater. I really do. And I know exactly why you dislike the show so much.

You have a really strong moral compass.
Between feeding the homeless in your spare time and living in the church house Monday through Sunday, you’re pretty much perfect. You have never sinned a day in your life. You are sanctified and filled with the Holy Ghost. Halleujah! Yes Lawd! Sha na-na-na e coli e coli.

Your pure lifestyle makes it IMPOSSIBLE to enjoy Scandal. After all, the lead character, Olivia Pope, is having an affair with the president. And although the story is made up, you still can’t bear to watch a totally make-believe affair unfold on TV.  Heck, you barely watch any TV — it’s too dirty and imperfect! In fact, you’re one #Scandal tweet away from cutting the power in your house and living like the Amish. No more Parkay for you — you’ll churn your own clean butter!

You only like really highbrow television.
In your mind, Scandal is nothing but a nighttime soap opera. The plots are melodramatic. Kerry Washington’s a terrible actress, and her upper lip stresses you out.

Hey, I get it man. So what’s a TV aficionado like you to do? Watch Mad Men!

Although it’s a period piece set in the 1960s that totally overlooks Black people and the implications of the Civil Rights Movement, it just makes for better TV when minorities are ignored. We don’t need shows that highlight people of all colors — and challenge gender roles and GLBT stereotypes in the way that Scandal does. Oh, and the ultra-glamorous world of advertising portrayed in Mad Men? Always totally accurate in every agency around the world. No question about it.

You only like shows with 100% believable storylines and plot twists.
Since Scandal is the ONLY show that asks its viewers to suspend reality for one hour every week, you can’t even fathom getting into it. Between the presidential affair that never happened with Bill Clinton, and the intense secrecy of the government that would never happen in real life because we live in such a transparent democracy, it’s just too fraudulent to bear.

You prefer TV shows more deeply rooted in reality — like Love and Hip Hop or Real Husbands of Hollywood. Now THOSE are show you can believe in.

You’re an individual.
Throughout your entire unique life, you’ve never once shared the opinion of the masses on anything popular. You like everything obscure — music they don’t sell on iTunes, clothes they don’t sell at the mall, and foreign films and TV shows. In fact, while everyone else is raving about Scandal, you’re going to pop in that DVD of Nigerian soap operas you picked up in Africa. Who needs Kerry!

Gosh, Scandal Hater. You’re just so much better than all of us who vacation in Shondaland for an hour every week. May we all grow into divine beings as holy, unique and sophisticated as you.

Love,

Brannon